Quotes – Set IX
What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.
-John Ruskin
My Uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
-Magaret Smith
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
-Jerry Seinfield
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
-Joey Adams
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
-Jim Carrey
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.
-Bob Hope
Housework can kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
-Paul Lynde
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
-Emo Phillips
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
-Buddy Hackett
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
-Norman Wisdom
The trouble with weather forecasting is that it’s right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
-Patrick Young
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
-Richard Diran
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
-George Carlin
I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.
-Gilda Radner
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
-Ellen DeGeneres
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
-Frank Carson
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
-Steven Wright
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
-Mitch Hedberg
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
-W. C. Fields
A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough.
-Bruce Lee